Why Thanksgiving May Be the Perfect Time to Start an Important Family Conversation
By Tammy Thacher, Senior Advisor, Oasis Senior Advisors Plymouth, Cape Cod and the Southcoast
Thanksgiving at my house comes with all the things you may expect: family, food, conversation, laughter and probably more than a little chaos.
But recently, I added something else to the Thanksgiving gathering: a little family preparation.
I encouraged the adults in my family to make sure they had a health care proxy.
When I brought it up with my family, everyone was very open to the conversation and felt it was a really good idea. There was no pushback, just a shared understanding that this was something worth discussing and having in place.
I know. A health care proxy probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Thanksgiving. But after years of working with older adults and their families, including my previous experience in home care and my current work helping families navigate senior living options, I have learned how quickly life can change.
I’ve seen families sitting in hospitals trying to make decisions after a loved one suddenly became ill or incapacitated. I’ve helped families navigate the transition from a hospital to assisted living and other care settings. And I’ve seen how much harder an already stressful situation can become when no one knows who is supposed to make decisions or what their loved one would have wanted.
Those experiences have changed the way I think about planning.
This Isn’t Just an “Older Person” Conversation
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is simple: incapacity doesn’t have an age requirement.
An unexpected illness, or accident, can happen to anyone. Once our children are legal adults, parents don’t automatically get to make every health care, legal or financial decision for them simply because they’re still our children.
That is why I believe every adult should at least think about having appropriate documents in place that identify the people they trust to step in if they cannot speak or act for themselves.
For many people, that starts with a health care proxy and may also include a durable power of attorney.
A health care proxy allows you to name someone to make health care decisions for you if you become unable to make or communicate those decisions yourself. A properly prepared power of attorney can authorize someone you choose to handle financial or legal matters on your behalf, depending on how the document is written.
These documents aren’t about expecting something bad to happen.
They’re about making sure the people you trust aren’t left wondering what to do if something does.
Why Thanksgiving?
You might wonder why I would bring this up around a holiday table.
Because Thanksgiving gives us something we don’t always have during the rest of the year: we’re together.
Adult children may be home. Siblings who live in different places may be sitting at the same table. Parents, grandparents and grandchildren may all be under one roof.
That makes it a natural opportunity to start a conversation.
It doesn’t have to be a formal family meeting. You don’t have to pull out a binder between the turkey and pumpkin pie. And it certainly doesn’t have to feel gloomy.
It can be as simple as saying:
“I’ve been thinking about something. If I couldn’t make decisions for myself, do you know who I would want to make them for me?”
Or:
“Do we all have health care proxies? Do we know where they are?”
You may be surprised by where the conversation goes.
Someone may realize their document names a person who is no longer the best choice. Someone else may have completed estate planning years ago but hasn’t reviewed it since. A young adult may say, “I thought Mom and Dad could automatically handle that for me.”
Those are valuable conversations to have before there is an emergency.
Planning Is More Than Having Documents
Over the years, I’ve also learned that having documents isn’t the same thing as having a plan.
Your life changes. Your family changes. Your finances change. The people you trust may change. Your health and care needs may change too.
That’s why I encourage people of all ages to develop an estate plan with qualified professionals and then continue to review that plan throughout their lives.
As we get older, I believe it becomes particularly important to work with professionals who understand not only estate planning, but elder law and the issues that can accompany aging and long-term care.
The question isn’t simply, “Do I have an estate plan?”
It’s also, “Will my plan still work the way I want it to if my circumstances change?”
Don’t Wait for the Hospital Room
There is a very different feeling between having these conversations around your own table and trying to figure everything out in a hospital room.
In a crisis, emotions are high. Family members may be scared and tired. Decisions might need to be made quickly. That isn’t when you want everyone asking, “What would Mom want?” or “Who is supposed to handle this?”
Planning ahead doesn’t eliminate difficult situations. But it can give the people you love clarity when they need it most.
And perhaps that’s why Thanksgiving is such an appropriate time to talk about it.
Thanksgiving is already about family. It’s about taking stock of what’s important to us and appreciating the people around the table.
Talking about who we trust, what matters to us and how we want our family to help us if we ever need it isn’t taking away from the holiday.
In its own way, it’s an expression of gratitude and love.
So this Thanksgiving, after everyone has had some turkey and before somebody reaches for that second piece of pie, consider starting the conversation.
Ask each other:
Do you have a health care proxy?
Do the right people know where it is?
Who would you trust to help with financial or legal matters if you couldn’t manage them yourself?
When was the last time your estate plan was reviewed?
And, most importantly, does your family know what matters to you?
You don’t have to solve everything at the Thanksgiving table.
Sometimes, simply starting the conversation is the most important preparation of all.
Tammy with Attorney Erin Nunes
Tammy Thacher is a Senior Advisor with Oasis Senior Advisors Plymouth, Cape Cod and the Southcoast. Drawing on her experience working with older adults and families, including her previous work in home care, Tammy helps families navigate senior living options and the transitions that often accompany changing care needs.
Tammy Thacher
Your Thanksgiving Planning Checklist
A few conversations today can provide greater clarity tomorrow.
When your family is together this Thanksgiving, take a few minutes to talk about planning. You don’t need to have all the answers. Simply knowing what’s in place, what may need attention, and who should be involved is a great place to start.
Ask your family:
☐ Do you have a current Health Care Proxy?
Who would speak for you about health care decisions if you were unable to speak for yourself?
☐ Do you have a Power of Attorney?
Have you chosen someone you trust to assist with financial and legal matters if needed?
☐ Do the right people know they’ve been chosen?
Naming an agent is important. Talking with that person about your wishes is important, too.
☐ Does someone know where your important documents are kept?
Make sure the appropriate people can locate essential planning documents when they are needed.
☐ Has your estate plan kept up with your life?
Marriage, divorce, births, deaths, changing relationships, health concerns and other life changes can be good reasons to review your plan.
☐ Have you talked about what matters to you?
Documents are important, but so are conversations about your wishes, priorities and the people you trust to carry them out.
Don’t have everything in place yet?
That’s okay. Start with the conversation. Thanksgiving can be an opportunity to identify what’s already been done, what needs to be updated, and what questions you want to bring to an estate planning or elder law attorney.
Disclaimer: This content is provided for general informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute legal, tax, financial, or other professional advice. Reading or using this information does not create an attorney-client relationship with Surprenant, Beneski & Nunes, P.C. Because every situation is unique, you should consult with qualified legal counsel regarding your specific circumstances before making any decisions.
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